A Letter to the Last Table of the Night. From a chef's wife.

Dear Last Table of the Night,

When you walked into the restaurant tonight at 9:56, four minutes before closing, what did you see? If I were you I would have seen one server- cleaning up, no hostess, no busboy, one incredibly clean kitchen and one pissed off chef who had previously had everything packed up and was ready to go. And when you walked in, with your party of 6, and said that you were going to wait for the 7th person before ordering- were you thinking to yourself "I wonder if I'll win the award for world's biggest douche?" Are you familiar with the phrase "Don't screw with people who can screw with your food?" Well, lucky for you, my husband and his staff are professionals, but here is a little piece of advice- don't try this at Taco Bell at closing time.

By the way, I don't think I have introduced myself yet. I am the chef's wife and tonight, a Tuesday night, I was excited because my husband called me and said that they were going to be able to leave on time cause things were dead there. I got ready, poured wine, made some appetizers, and waited, while you- oh oblivious one- looked at your menu for 27 minutes and waited for your 7th person for 12 minutes. Then you had the nerve to order a well done steak! Do you know how long it takes for your steak to be one step away from beef jerky? A really really long time. Long enough that I fell asleep on the couch and while I was sleeping my adorable dogs feasted on the appetizers I had made and knocked the glasses of wine over and onto the white carpet.

And to top it off you yelled at the server because your meal was taking too long and now you aren't going to eat until 11:00pm. Just a little FYI for the future, your waiter/waitress/host/hostess/busboy ALWAYS knows the time. He or she is fully aware that you are not going to eat until 11:00pm.

So, last table of the night, thank you. You have indeed won the award. Where do you work? If it is a bank, a retail store, or any sort of business with a set closing time- I will find you. I will find you and exacty one minute before closing I will come in and get ready to do some MAJOR shopping, banking or businessing. That's right- I will conduct so much business it will blow your mind and make you late for your dinner! If I wasn't asleep, I would come over there right now and give you a piece of my mind. But, I am asleep, so this letter will have to do. 

Sincerely yours,

The Chef's Wife